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May. 26th, 2009

Progress is a long and slow road

Today is the first day that I am officially "wheat free". I did however eat a massive potato earlier that tasted like an apple; which seems now worse than all the wheat based products I so adore. I have put on a few pounds, it was really disheartening to admit it to myself. Everyone keeps on saying that i look great at the moment, I am so worried about losing control, i find it very hard to listen to them. Its just too easy to put weight back on. I was really disappointed, i was planning on going to a boxercise class earlier, but classes are cancelled at the moment. So i decided to go for a jog instead, only when I opened the front door, i saw it was pouring with rain. I thought to hell with it, and ran anyway. I think the few people that were out on the road thought I was a mad woman. I got some strange looks, but I didn't care. I actually really enjoyed it.
I still have another 22lbs to go before I can even think about being happy. It is difficult sometimes, the last time i went to visit my parents my Mother put oil all over the cous cous she was cooking and i freaked out. My older sister (who uses headbands as belts) treated me like a crazy person for not wanting to eat it. Also, i almost had a breakdown in a health food shop in front of my friends because there was too much choice in the shop and it was making me very confused. So i think people know that I have some food issues, i do my best to hide the way that i feel, but I think the downfall of that is sometimes I eat things just to fit in; just to seem normal. Then when i'm on my own I feel really bad about it.
I haven't been doing nearly as much exercise as I should be doing recently. But i've been crazily busy at uni. I quite like detatching myself from everyone and knowing that i won't have to worry about what anyone else thinks about my eating. I know other people might think i isolate myself, but i like it. That is something that they just don't understand.
I'll be eating dinner tomorrow with my parents and i can only hope all my good work is not destroyed by being in their company.

May. 25th, 2009

changes

I have decided to stop eating wheat and gluten. I think the reason It will be difficult (apart from my obsession with bread), shall be because people already think I've got an odd way of dealing with food; this shall be fuel to the fire. At least with veganism, i can hide behind my ideas of animals and how they should be treated, i can't really say the same for wheat and gluten. I really want to do this though and can only cross my fingers.

Aug. 25th, 2008

why do i do this

Sometimes i can't believe how stupid and pathetic i am. The other night i came home drunker than anything. Not only did i eat a disgusting amount of food, but i thought it would be a good idea to go on facebook and write some messages to people that should definitely not be written. I feel so embarrassed. It made me feel like i have no self control. What am i doing with myself? Sometimes it seems like my only goal in life is to make myself look as bad as possible in every shape and form. I don't know why i insist on causing these situations to happen. I keep on saying it to myself again and again, i need to take control. If i carry on living my life like this forever, i will never be happy.

Aug. 22nd, 2008

(no subject)

I  don't even know what to say right now. I was doing so well with my first day of abc. Then i was talking to someone from ana boot camp on msn and we were talking about eating. From then i couldn't stop thinking about food. I ended up eating my soup which was for dinner, a food doctor bagel with humous and tomato, 2 pieces of chocolate and a vegan banana peanut butter milkshake. I feel so depressed about it. I'm such a fucking idiot. How can i do this to myself? I hate myself.

Aug. 19th, 2008

Non stop stressathon

I don't ever want to let myself get into this position ever again. I have felt so low, i feel like i'm going to break down at any moment. I need to find £200 by the 27th of August for my rent. I have absolutely no money. I don't know how i will get next month's rent either; but i'll have to hit that nail on the head when i get there. 
I can't even think of anyone who can help me apart from my ex boyfriend who i haven't spoken to in ages. I feel really really stressed. The worst thing is that it is all my fault. I got myself in this position. I spent all my money without thinking; i quit my job because my managers were horrible. I did this to myself.
I was only supposed to be eating soup today; which i did. But then i had 3 slices of rye bread and a pitta bread too. I feel really bad about it. I've been covering any further feelings of eating with smoking. But i feel so disappointed. I don't know what i'm doing. No matter in what way i restrict myself i never feel its enough. But then if i fast i just end up binging. Sometimes it feels like there is no solution. 
I am in the center of my parents' arguments. I can't handle it. I feel like i am the cause of it. I want to disappear. I don't want to be here anymore. It seems so sad to say it but i need to get away from them. I can't wait to get to my new house, even if i can't afford the rent.

Aug. 17th, 2008

(no subject)

 I imagine sculpting my body with a knife. It cuts away like hard butter. I see it as it could be and as it is now. The shameful and slightly horrifying sight that it is now. 
When i was younger, i used to imagine that there might  be a zip somewhere on my body. I would take off this body suit and underneath would be something beautiful; something i could be proud of. When i got really upset, i used to look all over my body, trying to find the zipper; convinced that this body wasn't mine. It makes me sad to think that when i was a young teenager, girls commented on me being so thin, but i never felt it. I always thought i needed to lose weight, there was always someone skinnier to be like. Now i am so far away from that, i would do anything to be as thin as i was then. I feel like such a failure. A loser that just keeps on complaining and never getting anywhere. I need to take control of my life.
I hate lying but i have thought out a plan. When  i move into my new house, i will tell my best friend who i am living with, that my cognitive therapist has given me a diet to stick to, or that i went to see a health specialist in London; but i'm not allowed to talk about the diet as its part of the process. Then i'll start doing abc and no one will be able to question it.

Aug. 5th, 2008

Durrr lov (6)


Durrr lov (6)
Originally uploaded by pete foto
Oh no, look there i am again...

Durrr lov (7)


Durrr lov (7)
Originally uploaded by pete foto
why oh why....I'm the one on the left.

Aug. 3rd, 2008

I can't handle it!

Every day trying to lie to my Mum to get out of dinner gets so hard. She looks at me through tired and sad eyes and i don't know what to do. I feel so guilty. I'm a vegan so i can't really complain about the health aspect of it. She has been making such a big deal out of it. Today at dinner my family started talking about how i'm not even fat. I can't handle it. There is not much i can say to her. I do love my Mum but she is really standing in the way of what i want; the only thing that can make me happy right now.  

Aug. 1st, 2008

Meltdown

Today has somehow turned into a really stressful day. So 
1.) Last night i had to go to a sleepover, ate food that i shouldn't have. Also had to suffer the company of my friend's friend who i really don't like. I know she has an ED, even though she doesn't know i know that. She keeps on giving me a hard time about being vegan and drinking alcohol; she also keeps on analysing all my artwork and i can't handle it! Eating is hard enough, i don't need someone to tell me i'm doing something wrong.
2.)My Dad who i haven't seen since i was two years old e mailed me today. I'm really cross and upset about this.
3.) My older sister and i have such a bad relationship. We had an argument and i ended up running out of the house without any shoes and now i've got blisters all over my feet.
4.) All these bad thoughts and feelings are welling up inside of me that i am trying to not think about but its getting difficult. 
5.) It seems quite possible my current parents will break up. They are always arguing and my Ma has started talking about leaving my Dad.

The only good thing to come out of this is it has made my appetite smaller. 

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